How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
They say everything gets better with age.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
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