What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Say it ain’t snow.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
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