"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I really like you. So does my wife.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
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