What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!

“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown

The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.

Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.

“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."

– Lazar Angelov

How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks

Time to celery-brate.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together

Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.

I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen

Can you teach me how to use this machine?

Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.

What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.

Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.

Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.

Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.

Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.

You’re wine in a million.

"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."

It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!

What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.

There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.

What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.

Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel

Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.

Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.

Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.