What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
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