If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
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