Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
"Partners in wine."
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
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