What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
How was Heaven when you left it?
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
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