Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
I would love to show you first class.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
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