What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
All punts are highly intended
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
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