When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
You're as hot as a desert summer.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
This foundation is rock salad.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
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