You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
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