“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
You're just my cup of tea!
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Go to BabaMail
