“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
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