How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
"I don't tan. I burn"
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
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