In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
How was heaven when you left it?
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
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