“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
"Eggs love you."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Writers have great climaxes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
You’re my lucky charm.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
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