There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Don’t moss around.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Dublin over in laughter.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
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