Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Go to BabaMail
