If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
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