Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Go to BabaMail
