The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Do you like free samples?
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
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