What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Let’s list the froze and cons.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
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