The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Your lab or my lab?
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
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