You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.

A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."

“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!

What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.

A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.

My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.

I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.

What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.

"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.

I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.

Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation

What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.

You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.

What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.

Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..

"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers

Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?

“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".