Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Honestly, I really lilac you.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
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