Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Life is better when we stick together.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
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