A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I Ecuador you.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
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