It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
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