Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.

Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”

- Grant Tucker.

Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat

What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.

What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.

There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.

Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.

Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.

Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.

Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.

What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.

The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous

My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.

All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown

Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies

"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?

What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.