What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
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