Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Don't get tide down.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
You are spud-tacular.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
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