"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Treat yo'elf.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
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