Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
We’re in a-green-ment.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
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