What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Paddy like a rockstar.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
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