Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Who’s your paddy?
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
"Eggs love you."
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
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