How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
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