“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Are you a red light because stop.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
I feel like we're in tune
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Let's Taco about love.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
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