Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I only have ice for you.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
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