How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
We were mermaid for each other.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Do you like free samples?
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
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