Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I really caribou-t you.
I think we're mint to be!
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
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