Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.

You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.

How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!

Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”

Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.

There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.

Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.

Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.

Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.

Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?

Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.

When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.

“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.

A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”

- Moby.

Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.

What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.

What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.

What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!

You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.

Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.

I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski

Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.

A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner