I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
People are always after me lucky charms.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
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