This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
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