What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
You’re my heartthrob.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
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