What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
We like to paddy.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
You’re Isaacly my type
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
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