I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Beach you to it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
You sweep me off my feet!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
By the seat of one’s punt
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
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