What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
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