George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
You are so right. And I am so left.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
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