What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
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