“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
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