"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
They say everything gets better with age.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
The goal nine yards
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
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