“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
You can stand under my umbrella.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Witch you were here.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
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