It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Best in snow.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
"Your kisses are to dye for."
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
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