Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
You snow the drill.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
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