"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Bookworms take shelfies.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"You deserve better and so do I."
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
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