Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature

Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.

What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.

I know we just met, but will you marinade me?

What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.

Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.

I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!

All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.

Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.

Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”

You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.

What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.

“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown

You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"

Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced

What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.

"Happy eggster."

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.

Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.

What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.

I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”