How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
I want to stretch with you.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Prepare to be bowled over.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
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