Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I scored when I met you.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
You raise the bar.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
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