Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
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