Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
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