If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
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