What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
You had me at cello.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
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