The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
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