“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Would you like to share fire with me?
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
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