What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
I beg your garden?
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
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