Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
"You can't sip with us."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I lava you."
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Go to BabaMail
