Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.

What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.

My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision

"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes

Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.

What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!

Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'

Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.

I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.

Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.

Green glass globes glow greenly.

What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?

I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.

Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.

Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.

Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.

Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner

I have so mushroom in my heart for you.

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Worm!

Worm who?

Worm to meet you!

I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.

A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.

“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings

What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?

Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.

The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.

Stay true to your shelf.

“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin

What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.

Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.

Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.

What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

I'd got to bat for you, babe.

I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!