Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Go to BabaMail
