Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
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