Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
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