I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.

Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.

My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.

Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.

What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.

I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln

What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.

Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.

What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.

Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.

Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.

I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.

Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph

Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”

- Paul Reiser.

How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".

What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.

Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!

Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.

You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.

How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.

What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.

What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!

What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.