Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
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