What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Can I be one of the men in your box?
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
You’re Isaacly my type
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
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